The Sadness of Change

It was only a matter of time until a more somber and sad post arrived, and here it is.  Knowing me, this will surely be the first of many.

Following up on the last post on sleep, I've settled into my feelings a bit more and there's a lot more there than just wanting to get a baby to sleep.

My relationship with Kai Liang has changed.  Of course, this is part of any relationship--especially that of a parent to their child.  Nevertheless, it's the first time I have felt it and feel it I must.
Going back to work dramatically changed our relationship.  Before, I was with him nearly all day.  He enjoyed near equal time with me and Linda and sometimes I felt like (even though it's clearly not true) I was on completely equal footing with Linda save for the breastfeeding part.  Now that I am back at work, Kai gets a maximum of four hours of me each day and those four hours aren't exactly the best of me either.  He does not look at me like a stranger, and he always gives me a smile when I come home, but that same adoration and love does not feel the same.  He is more comfortable with Linda now.  He is so familiar with her and she with him in a way that I can no longer match.  Funny-and-Playful-Daddy remains intact but Soothing-Daddy-Who-Puts-Me-to-Sleep feels like an artifact of early infancy.  Even diaper changing used to be our thing until I went back to work.  He still loves getting his diaper changed but I am no longer the proud ruler of Diaper Land. 
Yesterday I began to feel like I had to work at strengthening my relationship with Kai whereas before it just got stronger with time.  My patience has to be that much greater because I know that if I hand him off to Linda, I am handing off my limited time with my baby boy.
I think it is true that with time apart I can come back to Kai with renewed creativity and patience.  But when I spend most of my day prior to coming home on my feet with 26 children demanding that same creativity and patience--I can feel my resources dwindling.

Okay, enough sulking?  I'll move on.

I know there is a bigger picture.  I never question our love or that we will forever be bound together.  And I know that the wonderful thing about everything that has to do with Kai Liang is that it is just like Colorado weather: if you don't like it now, just wait a few minutes!